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Godot's Page: Do Not Feed The Animals

Godot's Page

Gatekeeper to the Theater of the Absurd

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Do Not Feed The Animals

And just as the air became brisk, and the moonlit grounds filled my heart with summer bliss, the seemingly ubiquitous Moderately Religious Arab (MRA) struck again to fuck it all up…

In this episode, the MRA was a scantily clad Jordanian Christian man donning the latest acid-burnt Diesel low cut denim, and a plain white slim fit shirt whose sublime designery had its thunder forlornly usurped by a blasphemously large golden cross in the pectoral area. An innocuous joke by Godot - about how Jesus would have died with his palms facing the other way had he known the quantity of tear evoking succulent cleavages he would be resting upon in a millennia’s time - seemed to have sparked yet another vastly uninformed religious debate amongst the seated few. My holier than thou sigh was brusquely interrupted by MRA’s intimation that the letter of the Bible is EXCLUSIVE to messages and anecdotes of “peace, tolerance and equality.” This man has unmistakably missed a few lines, but we’ll blame that on the Russian Standard.
While I recognize the abundance of peaceful messages in the Bible, as I do the Torah and the Koran, you my dearest of casual Christians must recognize the symmetrical abundance of hateful stone-age rhetoric as well. Allow me to share a few snippets of your concord mongering as you lament the best possible way to present me with your other cheek:

On fear, intimidation and death by stoning. What’s with monotheism and stoning man?
“Then he is to be stoned to death by all the men of the town: so you are to put away the evil from among you; and all Israel, hearing of it, will be full of fear.” Deuteronomy 21:21

On homosexuality and tolerance, couldn’t you have done away with all the graphics?
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be on them.” Leviticus 20:13

On women’s rights and eternal slavery, sounds like working on the Johnny Depp’s Flying Dutchman:
"Whenever a man sells his daughter into slavery, she will not go free the way male slaves do.” Exodus 21:7

On working during the Sabbath, didn’t leave much room for interpretation there:
"For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the Lord; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.” Exodus 35:2

The list goes on, but as this page is dedicated to the inanity that plagues our planet, I leave you with my favorite verse from Corinthians:
“Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him.” Corinthians 11:14

JESUS H CHIRST! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Tickle my testes and call me Suzy! What happened to the simple yet effective “son, go get a haircut”?

With Islam in the increasingly widening crosshairs of the war on happiness, instead of a collective shift away from social forms of religion, it seems as though Christians in the Middle East are taking the opportunity to capitalize on their millennia-old PR campaign. It’s much like the I-hate-Republicans-due-to-Bush-therefore-I-will-vote-for-anything-else-that-can-breathe (or the IHRDBTIWVFAETCB) campaign that Democrats in America waged in recent times. Bad analogy I know, but I’ve wanted to say that for months now.

So my unapprised Moderately Religious Arab who happened to be a Jordanian Christian this episode, read the Biblical Scripture (and whatever other holy scripture your heart may desire), not for moral code, but because we need more skeptics out there, and nothing gets you there faster than reading those books.

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