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Godot's Page: April 2008

Godot's Page

Gatekeeper to the Theater of the Absurd

Monday, 7 April 2008

Popsicles in Jordan

Whilst the piece below is unequivocally random, some context is in order. This is something I wrote a couple of years ago as a comment on a brilliant guy's blog. The original post is now in a cyber grave, but it had something to do with popsicles in Jordan. It is fair to assume that I had too much time on my hand, oh how some things never change.

Recent studies have shown that the 'plastic popsicle' phenomenon that existed in urban Amman throughout the 60's is the primary cause of the high rate of cancer among the population. In a press conference following the grand opening of Gerard's, the ministry of health issued statements that highlighted the significant amounts of toxins in the plastic composition. Moreover, 'hollow' plastic sticks, although popular at the time have caused the humorous deaths of approximately 13 children around the capital. The cause of death was usually associated with the remaining 'frozen goodness' as many have so eloquently put it, stuck around the circumference of the plastic sticks. Naturally, kids (and in one occasion an 84 year old man) wanting this goodness would suck so hard on the hollow piece of plastic that the ice disc would puncture their throats at a very high velocity causing a long a painful ride to Al Basheer where a pair of tongs, a bashkeer and a mufta7 ingleezi would conveniently be left inside the patients body - the immediate cause of death.

Employees at the plastic company (masna3 liblastik) immediately took up arms against prominent wood producers and claimed that it had nothing to do with cancer, children dying or utensils being left in patients' bodies. 'In fact', said one angry protester, 'it is all a Zionist conspiracy'. Shortly afterwards, riots broke out amidst the city over anti US/Israeli sentiments, solidarity towards Iraqis, discontent towards the weather, the Wihdat-Faisali match and finally, satanic messages conveyed in Amr Diab's new album. Coherent analysts indicate that the volatility of the situation could be directly traced back to plastic popsicle sticks...maybe, but they’re not so sure.

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Tuesday, 1 April 2008

UBS Crapshoot

Ospel has stepped down from his post as Chairman and CEO of UBS. UBS now tops the list of write-downs by investment banks. Stock is plummeting which means that prized employees have shit for stock options and will most likely leave. So to get this straight, UBS will have a great few rounds of firing its ineffective and on-the-cusp employees, the effective ones will leave anyway because their bonus value (denominated mostly in UBS stock) is worth little more than a Domino's thin crust pizza box. Raiders are probably gonna have a field day on this one. The asset management arm of UBS is really solid, but its safe to assume that the Wealth Management arm, UBS' gemstone, will suffer from this. No news is good news.

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